I need a chiropractor for my brain.
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Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”