[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.