every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo