I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
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Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER