I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
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Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My boss called in sick of me
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.