I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
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I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
m’lady
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
When your man makes a valid point
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.