[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Perfection.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.