Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
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Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
My biological clock is wheezing.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.