Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
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My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.