I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
You Might Also Like
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
When they try to steal your moment.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF