He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
don’t we all
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”