If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
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Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I saw this ending much differently.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.