Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.