“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
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[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok