If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
You Might Also Like
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.