Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
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One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Good dog. ❤️
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.