That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.