Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
#inspiration #foodforthought
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it