Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
The struggle is real.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Hmm, not sure about this change
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.