*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
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ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
his wife is probably gonna see that
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?