In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.