I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
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‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.