You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
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I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂