I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Why is this me 😫
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair