Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.