Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
yea so i messed up lol
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
(Jupiter –
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.