*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?