my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.