my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.