*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
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Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I have a black belt in leather
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.