Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
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I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
How wrong was this guy?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.