The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
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Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.