ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
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[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead