Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
You Might Also Like
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.