Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!