After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
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So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
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Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
How dude HOW?!
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”