I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
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This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.