Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Is anyone gonna tell them?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you