The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too