At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
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Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?