*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
You Might Also Like
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me