Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.