There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*