I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
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my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.