Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
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My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door