How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
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Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
even bears disappoint their mothers
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered