Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?