My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
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Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
What
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.