Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply