You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities